


no talk me im horny

by regaul



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Consensual Somnophilia, M/M, Switching, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat, Troll Molting, barely any plot, davekat - Freeform, exercise?, horny Dave
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:53:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23799568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regaul/pseuds/regaul
Summary: dave is horny karkat is sleepy
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 77





	no talk me im horny

You scrunch up your nose in an uncomfortable squint, focusing on the lazy sky above you. Despite wearing sunglasses permanently, years of living with Karkat has made you exceptionally averse to sunlight - and while not as much as Karkat’s eyes naturally are, you find yourself favoring shady, cool places like some ancient, wilting vampire despite living in the asscrack of Texas for the majority of your formative years. You wipe a thread of sweat streaking down your forehead and take another potato chip from the picnic spread laying mostly untouched in between you guys. 

In an almost mechanical fashion, you turned your head to face your boyfriend, again, hoping to see something different. He is still asleep. It’s been happening a lot lately, and you are absolutely dreading the implications. Every few years, Karkat goes into a phase where he “molts” which is usually accompanied by bouts of severe, almost hibernatory, sleepiness, irritability, and food cravings. After a week or two of this, he goes into a deep coma in his recuperacoon and comes out with a different molt. You've never noticed a staggering difference between molts though. Karkat swears that he grows an inch or so each and every time, and you never had the heart to tell him otherwise. You definitely start noticing a very subtle squaring of his features and body hair increase. Aren’t trolls supposed to be bugs? Whoever heard of bugs with hair? Aliens, man.

You turn your head back to the sun in an attempt to space out yet again. It was inconceivably unfair that Karkat chose to pass the fuck out during one of your monthly outings. Well, you know that this was definitely not a choice on his part, but still. You absolutely loathe boredom; at some point your head just gets dangerously empty, allowing for dumb and pathetic thoughts to spring up and thats definitely not an ideal for anyone, you think. Living together has just conditioned you to rely heavily on Karkat for instant entertainment. It would go like this. You would say something dumb on purpose sending Karkat into a passionate, often fury-filled, novel-length fit. Then you would space out like a champ and enjoy the sound of Karkat’s voice, interjecting only when you felt the conversation start to wane. It was perfect. Each and every time, Karkat managed to surprise you with his exceptional lexicon and creative insults, which you absolutely do steal for your raps later. Seriously, the guy doesn’t realize how much gold he spews on the regular. 

But now it’s...just one of those times. Karkat is sleeping more, eating more...And his rants aren’t even fun anymore. Now, he gets too tired and frustrated to even want to rave at you and just goes back into your room to sulk. You’re not a fan. You like when Karkat speaks his mind. Times like these, when you have to guess and wonder what's actually wrong? Completely bullshit.

Your leg’s bouncing picks up dangerously close to audible levels and threatens the sanctity of the picnic cloth. You must’ve spent ages looking at the sky trying to pick out shapes and messages and whatnot. Well, more like trying to continue your quest to find the most penis shaped cloud, which so far has been a futile task. You flip your head toward Karkat again. Here he is, snoozing away on your date day all tuckered out and shit. What makes it even more adorable is the fact that he has assumed a fetal sleeping position with his hands put together cushioning his head. He’s wearing a casual black T and shorts which makes him look even more comfortable and open, compared to the stuffy confines of his usual turtleneck sweater and grey pants. He’s wearing crocs, yes, but, everything about his form is delightful to look at and makes your heart swell. 

You study his features with care, despite already having memorized them by heart. With his shirt a tad too big, you can peek at his short neck and attractive collarbone, which is art in itself. His stomach is exposed for everyone at this idyllic outcrop to see. Well, it's just you and him here, but still. You cannot contain your lecherous gaze. His pudgy belly is so mesmerizing you have to contain an overpowering urge to squish or stuff your face into it. Karkat is beautiful. Hot as fuck. The bees’ bananas. He was not your first gay panic for sure, but he occupies the center of your cheese brain these days. You are still baffled that you get to snuggle up against and..uh do other equally enriching activities with Karkat. Despite the copious “You’re bi… and for that?”’s you’ve gotten from some of your friends and Earth C acquaintances, you swear by your words 

Which brings us to the underlying evil of your situation. Which is that you’re currently preposterously horny and you have not done anything with him since his molting prep week had started. It’s not like this is the first time, but it’s never actually stopped you from going crazy and stupid at each other before. This time, however, all Karkat can do is sleep and sleep and sleep. And while you absolutely want to wake Karkat up for a quick power fuck, it’s not happening. Karkat is out like a log. An incredibly attractive and lovable log, yes, but one that has severely offended your own log for almost a week now. You really hope this ends soon. After years of filling receptacles with your best bro, your hand just doesn’t cut it.

You go back to looking at the sky again. OwO What’s this? A cloud, oddly oblong, slides lazily across the sky above you. Your eyes glint. Could it be? No...this isn’t right. This one only has one testicle. This wouldn’t do. This wouldn’t do it at all.

You’re absolutely, positively sure that your pathetic, human boyfriend has gone insane. You open your pressure cooker and release the contents of it into your bowl, all the while not taking your eyes off Dave, who has been busy washing and rewashing dishes neurotically, trying to avoid looking at you. Thinking you wouldn’t notice. Your boyfriend is a disaster most of the time but this is uncharacteristically chaotic, even for him. You concentrate on the back of his head and see him take a lightning fast double take and accidentally meet your concerned eyes, break contact, and go back to washing dishes in shame. Once he finishes, he takes out and places some random food items on the kitchen table, and just stares. You’ve never seen Dave look so wistfully at a cucumber before. Dave doesn’t even cook. Dave shouldn’t cook! What an absolute madman. 

Karkat: DAVE.  
  
Karkat: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Dave: oh you know  
  
Dave: cooking  
  
Dave: not really sure what yet  
  
Dave: but maybe now’s as good a time to start as any  
  
Dave: or  
  
Dave: not  
  
Dave: its whatever

Karkat: WHAT A STUPENDOUS FUCKING IDEA. THE LAST TIME YOU TRIED TO COOK WE HAD TO RENOVATE HALF OF THE GODDAMN HIVE. IT IS SOMETHING I’VE BEEN ABSOLUTELY LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING AGAIN WITH TEAR-FILLED YEARNING AND TREPIDATION.

Dave: oh haha  
  
Dave: no man look this shouldn’t be that hard  
  
Dave: i know how powerful troll stoves are now  
  
Dave: you know  
  
Dave: to cook bugs and shit  
  
Dave: nah im not staying a culinary virgin forever  
  
Dave: once i pop that chef cherry  
  
Dave: you'll eat your words Karkat  
  
Dave: and hopefully what I make

Karkat: I SINCERELY DOUBT THAT.  
  
Karkat: WHAT CAN YOU EVEN COOK WITH THIS. 

You study Dave’s setup: it's suspiciously filled with the most random items that don’t fit any recipe you know of, human or otherwise. A banana? Carrots? The aforementioned cucumber? The only thing you spy in common is the fact that most of these items are phallic in nature, and nothing else. A salad? Dave doesn’t even have a cutting board out or anything.

Karkat: DAVE.  
  
Karkat: DO YOU NEED TO TALK?

Dave: what  
  
Dave: no im good  
  
Dave: go back to sleep or whatever you were doing

Karkat: WHAT.

Dave: nothing

Karkat: YOU’RE ACTING WEIRD AND ITS HONESTLY KIND OF UPSETTING.

Dave: im not

Karkat: YOU ARE.

Dave: no im not

Karkat: YES YOU ABSOLUTELY ARE YOU SAD FUCKING BULGE DRAPER. 

Dave: did you just call me a troll condom  
  
Dave: wow not cool  
  
Dave: way to break a guy’s heart

Karkat: I’VE BEEN OFF MY GAME RECENTLY AND WE BOTH KNOW WHY  
  
Karkat: THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL, DAVE. SO YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BUCKLE YOUR MASOCHISTIC HUMAN NOOK DOWN AND WAIT UNTIL THIS IS OVER.

Dave: i know i know  
  
Dave: just miss you sometimes you know?  
  
Dave: since you’ve been sleeping pretty much always now

Karkat: IT’S BEEN FOUR DAYS. YOU CAN WAIT A FUCKING WEEK.

Dave: oh has it  
  
Dave: it felt more like years  
  
Dave: you sleeping in your tiny little bed, dreaming whatever fucked up troll dreams it is you dream.  
  
Dave: while i'm here grieving  
  
Dave: waiting for you to come back like a wife of a deployed soldier  
  
Dave: sobbing every night in my pillow  
  
Dave: telling junior daddy’s coming back soon

KARKAT: THIS NEEDINESS IS UNWARRANTED.

Dave: what slander

Karkat: WHAT’S WRONG DAVE.

Dave: im just so used to you filling my head with your expletives and the occasional passionate spiel about god knows what  
  
Dave: among..other things  
  
Dave: the house just feels so damn empty you know  
  
Dave: i’ve even alphabetized my meme folder  
  
Dave: thats how fucking bored i am  
  
Dave: while you’re on your sleeping beauty quest to magic some witch with a thorn

Karkat: I CAN’T CONTROL THIS DAVE. I'VE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. ALSO, I DONT THINK THATS HOW THE TALE GOES.

Dave: oh  
  
Dave: i know  
  
Dave: sorry

Karkat: OH ARE YOU?

Dave: yeah

Karkat: I DOUBT THIS TOO. ANYWAY I'M GONNA GO LAY THE FUCK DOWN. THIS IS TIRING.  
  
Karkat: IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THE STOVE IN MY ABSENCE I WILL WAKE THE DEAD IN MY STEAD TO TAKE YOU OUT. THATS HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM. GOOD NIGHT.

Dave: its 4 PM  
  
Dave: sigh  
  
Dave: goodnight  
  
Dave: <3

  


Your attempts at tiring yourself out before bed so that you don’t go completely insane haven’t been sticking. You made something that might have looked like a fruit salad to some poor astigmatic soul, answered some emails, and even managed to clean your dead things room. Now you’ve resorted to aimlessly circling your hive, trying to count the amount of leaves the crawling vines embracing it have grown. You like to fly at night. Less people sounds; more nature sounds. But tonight, it doesn't do anything for your restless ass. You attempt to occupy yourself with some of the most recent Earth C hits but none of them impress you. It's just not the same. A mere mockery of the bangers from Earth A. No. No, this won’t do. You pull your headphones down and start to hum some of your own content, as narcissistic as it sounds. Nah still isn't it. You don’t notice yourself pausing in front of you and Karkat’s bedroom window until you catch sight of Karkat’s half naked torso. Goddamnit. You press your cheek against the glass pane and take a closer look. 

Your man is splayed out on the bed, blankets falling lazily off the side, exposing his form. He’s down to his underwear. Wait. That’s your underwear. He’s wearing your candy-red boxer briefs that are more than a little too small on him, hugging his lower half tightly. Damn. This is torture. You open the window and fly in for a closer, more selfish, eyeful. 

You don’t think you’ve craved anything this bad. You know you’ve been horny but tonight you think you might explode. You remember gently caressing Karkat’s cheek, attempting so hard to not add anything along the lines of “no homo bro” or even comment at all for that matter the first time you and karkat went cave diving. You remember how Karkat’s claws scratched at your back and how completely taken aback you were by his alien biology. You remember the completely alien, absolutely endearing sounds he made when you filled him up, and you remember how brain-funny you felt afterwards. 

As you reminisce about the preposterous amount of troll cum that was motherfucking everywhere when he climaxed for the first time, you realize your hand is already down your pants with fervent enthusiasm. You look at the outlines of karkat’s bulge being accentuated by the tightness of your underpants and start to tap into the latent energy of your restless hands. He’s so fucking good like this. You just want to eat him up. Every quark of your being wants to touch him. Get your grubby hands all over, fill your mouth up with his junk until you choke on him; swallow down everything he has to give; please him in whichever way. He’s right there. All you have to do is reach out and… no you can’t. You can be nasty at times but you’re not an asshole. He can’t give you an answer. You absolutely can’t hurt him. 

You sit your horny ass down. It only takes a few more pumps and you’re sitting there in your embarrassing mess. God this will be hell. You wipe yourself off and tangle your existence into your sleeping Karkat, nuzzling pitifully into his neck, falling asleep within moments. 


End file.
